Adult coloring books? SCAM.
These are not your child’s coloring books. The designs are intricate — like for sure, I would not be able to stay in the lines — and often themed: owls, cats, mandalas, Zen, even Harry Potter.
Adult relaxation techniques come in many forms, post-criminalization of cigarettes and ostracization of the lunchtime cocktail hour. There was the Zen sand garden (turned eventual desk Zen sand garden), the stress ball (or balls, like literal balls), sudoku (I still want to spell that suduKO), meditation, cigarettes, tequila, WHATEVER, you get what I’m saying. The next wave of relaxation has arrived, riding a swell of paper and pencils (or markers; whatever your implement of choice)...
Coloring books. That just happened.
These are not your child’s coloring books. The designs are intricate — like, for sure, I would not be able to stay in the lines — and often themed: owls, cats, mandalas, Zen, even Harry Potter. Every time I turn around, another one of my Instagram friends is posting pictures of their coloring book pictures. This isn’t unlike the Disgusting Dinner Instagrammer — I don’t want to see your monochromatic plate of slosh any more than I want to see your poorly-executed cheater art.
And here are seven more reasons to just skip this fad entirely.
1. Intricacy. As mentioned above. These designs are like double-helix-DNA complicated. There are teeny tiny little spaces, which you are apparently supposed to color inside of. You’re setting yourself up for failure, OK? This is like that time you tried to make the Pinterest cake that has a tie-dye rainbow heart in the middle. You’re going to suck at it. And then your self-esteem is going to plummet, because who can’t COLOR? This is kindergarten-level shit. You can’t even graduate to first grade, you miserable coloring book failure.
2. Extraneous supplies. You are going to need more markers and new crayons and more special Adult Pencils, possibly of the watercolor variety. Crayola simply will not do. Congratulations, you just turned the literally cheapest activity ever into the Gucci of crafts. Take that money and get a massage, you lunatic.
3. ADULT coloring books? What does that even mean? Is there porn in there? Is it cartoon porn? You know what an adult coloring book is? It’s a book for people who can’t really draw but want to look talented. You’re a fraud and no one is buying your artificial artistic capability. (PS In researching this article I found a coloring book of penises and boobs. So there is that.)
4. Palette. Did you know Benjamin Moore has 150 colors of white paint? WHITE. Can you imagine coloring a book in a world where there are 150 shades of just WHITE? Do you go cool? Do you go warm? Do you try to blend the warm/cool palettes? This is going to be a disaster. We both know it. If you’re not an interior decorator, you’re not ready for this.
5. Attention span. You can’t even finish crocheting one lousy washcloth. What makes you think you’re going to have the staying power to color an entire book of 104 pages? You aren’t. Just upcycle it now. Those completely blank pages will look perfect lining your equally hipster lion head bunny cage/chicken coop.
6. Stress. Ostensibly, the adult coloring book relieves stress. Lies. It’s all fun and games until your 3-year-old finds your Adult Coloring Book and turns it into their Toddler Coloring Book. Now not only are you pissed, but you’re out $12. Stress relief?
7. Because you are AN ADULT. If you have time to color a damn book, maybe do an actual hobby that results in a PRODUCT. Make a cake. Hello, you can EAT THAT. Go back to the washcloth. At least you can use that for something. What are you going to do with a piece of paper you spent three days coloring? Exactly. Nothing. Or you could frame it, it did take 3 days, after all.
JUST KIDDING. It's cheaper than tequila and doesn't wreck your liver. Amazon, ahoy.
